this is my world. take it or leave it.

past memories replaying in my head.

2005-04-01T23:59:00.000-08:00

darkness comes frequently these few days
afraid of the things i'll have to face
hidden in this confined room with no one to turn to
sometimes i wonder how i'll ever make it through

with this darkness comes my loneliness
it's a package, making me feel worthless
i find myself crying to sleep every night
hidden behind this mask, away from your sight

some nights i run away, for miles
some days, i fill with plastic smiles.
some how, nothing makes this fade away
nothing helps me get through the day

and i feel myself becoming nothing
after all these years, i've been fighting.
i now give in to the emptiness deep within
determination to fight it now becomes a sin.

so the story goes...

2005-03-11T10:25:00.000-08:00

i just cannot be bothered anymore. really.
everything is so screwed up. but well it'll be fine soon.
i know it will be coz it always is.
but i wanna thank everyone who's been there for me.
i dont know where i'd be without you guys.
people like daryl, trish, hui min, bong, lucas, denis, alethea.
i love you guys! i really do.
and sometimes, if i ever vent my anger at you guys, i'm sorry.
my friends right now are the best things that have ever happened to me.
i never wanted things to be like this.
i never thought i'd even be in this position.
but i guess everything happens for a reason and i just gotta deal with it huh?
whatever happens, i love my life, family and friends.
and i mean it. even tho nothing is ever perfect.
ah well, life goes on dont it?

fading away

2005-03-01T15:02:00.000-08:00

i'm fading away once again to the serenity deep within. i hear voices and things. they're calling my name. i refuse to answer them. i'm in my own little world running fast away from everything. running fast till everything fades away. i hate the pain. i hate the fights. i hate everything bad that goes around and comes shooting straight at me.
then i stop running. i see you. and everything just fades away faster than anything i've ever known. you, just being there has managed to help me pull through. i dont feel pain or hate or anything anymore. not when you're around.
but you've been gone for so long that i'm fading away once again. and i'll continue to fade till i see you again.
but you have to know how much i miss you. you have to know how much it hurt when i lost your picture. it was crumpled for a reason. it was in my wallet for a reason. everything has a reason.
there's also a reason why you left. tho i dont know why it is right now.
coz i wanted you here.
but i'm not fading anymore. i'm not crying anymore. i miss you. but it doesnt hurt that much anymore. i know i'll see you again some day. so i'll just be waiting till that day.

so you're leaving once again.

2005-02-19T21:27:00.000-08:00

i think in the past 2 months, i lost about 50 bucks. maybe more maybe less. but it was all for fun anyway. haha. tho the feeling did suck sometimes.
haha. boy do i remember always crying when you left. and when we did when we visited you. but now, i've realised, i prolly wont cry anymore coz i know we'll always meet again. and we'll always hear from you anyway. so there's always a we'll see you again.
so time ran out on me YET again. and i guess it'll always happen.
haha.
okay. enough of nonsense.

my weekend

2005-02-14T22:22:00.000-08:00

haha. guess how i spent my weekend?
saturday was dinner at aloy's. for vday. hahaha. it was so nice.
a small bouquet of flowers. 3 roses. and dinner.
cooked by them!! (:
then,
i relived my childhood. hahaha. it was so fun. we went to the playground at 401.
the things there was just so fantastic.
there was stuff that made you go dizzy. you just spin around and around and around.
we had so much fun that everything just faded away.
all the hurt and pain and everything would just fade away. and you'll just be happy.
even if it's just for a moment.
it was fantastic.
haha. and then it's back to normal school life all over again.
ah well...
happy valentine's day to one and all. (:

the broken promise

2005-02-12T14:02:00.000-08:00

the roses are dead .
the flame's dying out.
the love's almost gone.
i can feel the tears coming.

you promised to be there.
you told me you cared.
where are you now?
now that i'm all alone.

i feel betrayed and hurt
bt all you've said and done
has it been a lie all along
or was it the truth once before?

okay. i dont know what that's abt. haha. just felt like writing sth.
does anyone know where to find a really nice THICK book?
i'm in need of one.

time.

2005-02-09T20:05:00.000-08:00

time.
it seems to be catching up on me.
it seems to be running my life.
life.
one word but so many meanings to it
seems pointless living sometimes.

that came out quite nicely dint it? haha. ah well. just another bunch of words that came into my head at random.

i feel so dead right now.
i really have a lot to do. but just cant be bothered to or i dont have the time to do so.
like how i wish i went with them 2 days ago to visit the only person whom i can still cry over to this day.

Happy Chinese New Year to those who celebrate it, then.
i'm off.

caught up in all this mess.

2005-02-08T12:21:00.000-08:00

ever thought so hard about 1 single thing and never managed to find the answer?
this is 1 thing i've been pondering over since i was a kid.
and yes, it came up again today.

should i go? or should i stay?

it's kinda odd really. like i want to do. but at the same time, i dont want to.
ahaha.
i think i'm just crapping now.
well, at least i have lots of time to think abt it.
for now.

reflections.

2005-02-07T21:39:00.000-08:00

i've realised that my titles have all been really brief and my entries too.
okay. for 1, my dad's home safely. so that's good. i dont have to give a damn bout what goes on in nepal now.
for another, i'm Siew Eng in SYF. haha. it was damn funny. coz at first roger dint wanna say who it was, olivia or me.
but then he kinda blurted it out. and i dint quite get it. until ppl said so it's rene. and i was like huh? haha. sorry for that.
well, class was fine on sunday. i guess. got a rose and a little card thing from andre. for vday. thanks dude! yep. then went for mass. haha. it's been so long since i've attended with such a big group that we all got carried away chatting and stuff. crap. i feel bad.
then today, we were partying and having fun during eng lesson coz mrs sena dint come. haha.

i've been doing some thinking. i've realised that i simply cannot manage my time well enough at this point of time. my life has been basically based around my family. not that it's bad. but i think i'm going mad with all the activity. boy do i miss hanging out with Zac and my other friends and everyone else basically.

and another thing is that i wish i could go back to sec 2 church camp all over again because i feel that i was so much closer to God after camp then i actually am now. and that's really sad. for me. and i told myself after camp that i wasnt gonna forget that night and how i felt. i guess i did.

there's many many other things that have gone thru my thoughts and that has had me pissed. but i guess everything will be over and done with and would be fine soon.
ah well. that's life aint it. you cant have good times w/o all those shit in between.

i wanna take the time to say that i really really appreciate trish and that talk we had. it was killing us both inside and all we needed was just each other. I LOVE YOU MY DARLING BIG SIS! i'm always here for you. as you used to say to me, it's my turn to return to you every single little thing you've provided me with.

and with that, i shall end off.

when you're feeling alone. and when you feel that no one cares, remember that GOD is always, always there. (:

nepal

2005-02-03T20:02:00.000-08:00

I WISH THAT NEPAL KING GETS SACKED OR STH.

fyi

2005-01-27T19:58:00.000-08:00

for those of you who dont already know, THE NONE WROTE THINGY IS THE TAG OR COMMENTS PAGE. what ever you call it. yep.
well another week of sch is almost over. as i know it, i'm screwing up maths. tmr's the 1st friday we're gonna have lessons. hmm... at least i have carla in 2 of my classes. and even tho eng lessons kinda sucks (i never thought i'd say that. honest.) it's still pretty fun. that's coz i have hui min, lydia and juls sitting with me. ahaha. so eng lessons are crapping sessions. and i mean crapping sessions. you wont believe what we talk abt. but it's all fun. we're all planning to work during the hols.
i dont know what to say bout syf sessions. they making me try out for the part of siew eng. and i really dont wanna be siew eng. rahhs. oh well.
oh yea, and i'm going for auditions tmr for that teen's search thing. wish me luck. i'm gonna get my butt back into that modelling stuff i used to do. i have to admit, i do miss it. (:
then it's mum's bday on sat
and carla ends her filming on sun. LET'S CELEBRATE!
yep. that's practically what i've been up to. (:

i'm so sorry

2005-01-21T11:51:00.000-08:00

now i know what it feels like to get pissed at the ones you love even tho they dint do anything.
so much for a lousy night, i had to awake this morn and seem to be pissed with my aunt and bro
but i couldnt help it...
my aunt was trying to help me and i was just giving her frank answers.
i hate it when tht happens to me and i'm really sorry.
the same thing has been happening the past couple of nights. and last night was just the worst.
i felt like dying. i really did.
and to the best brother in the world, i'm really sorry i gave you a kurt answer this morn.
thanks for not blowing back at me or we both would have fought at 5 am.

death

2005-01-16T18:10:00.000-08:00

i never knew death would be so hard to cope with. especially when it's so many years later.

i really really really wish you were here.

i know you would have been great to me and i would know what you're like. you left before that was possible and left me standing here, clueless...

i want you back here. i really do.

i'm home.

2005-01-14T13:03:00.000-08:00

ahh... yes yes. i'm home from camp. i've learnt a couple of things too. but we'll get to that.
i guess i dont regret going for camp coz it was pretty fun i guess. i really dint like the first day tho, but the second and last was alright. the only thing worth complaining abt was the toilet but i wont bother to. we went to the mangroves on the first day and we did water activities on the 2nd. as much as i dint wanna fall in the water coz of reasons, i did! coz i saw nic fall in and i wanted to give her a hand up but i slipped and went straight in. ahaha. classic. it was damn funny. and i managed to scratch myself on the rope wall up coz i lost footing. ahaha. ah well. clumsy me. then we nicely got yelled at on the 2nd day again. as usual. nothing new. and on the 3rd day, we went to the rainforest. it was so tiring. but it was fun none the less. AND I'VE LEARNT NEVER TO ALWAYS KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE GROUND WHEN WALKING IN THE RAIN FOREST OR YOU MIGHT GET SMASHED IN THE HEAD BY A TREE BRANCH! after that, it was chinese dinner then home.
we were all so tired after camp. i came back to school and we all waited for zackie and mrs armstrong. coz he came to pick me up and mrs armstrong was gonna give us a lift back home.
it was so good to be back home. i had one really nice long shower and then i came on for awhile. but my comp screwed up badly. so i dint update. ahaha. well, then my aunt came home and we gin-ed till 1 am. haha.

i'll be on my way.

2005-01-10T21:11:00.000-08:00

i'll be camping tmr. which means i'll be in malaysia for the next 3 days. it's kinda sad really coz zackie's sick and i'll be gone. )= i'm sorry baby. i've finally managed to shove everything bloody thing i need in my bag. argh. i think camp's gonna suck. i dont know. 1 min, i'm so on abt the idea and the next i just dont feel like going. it's so stupid really. i feel so messed up. ahaha. this is pathetic.
and when i come home from camp, i'll be so tired and my aunt will be here. i'm excited abt that. but somehow, camp's ruining it. ahaha. at least i'll have friday off.
let's all hope that the next 3 days will go by pretty quickly.
i'll miss all you guys especially my baby boy!

the first weekend...

2005-01-08T10:20:00.000-08:00

so the weekend's here and the first week of school has come and gone. dint seem that bad tho. 'cept that we had a lot of talks and briefings abt subjects and camp. studies are starting properly next week if we can just figure out how to use our timetable.
camp's next week... i think i have everything. now i'm just figuring out how the hell i wanna pack my bag. i feel so lazy. i'm really really not used to school yet. rahss...
and it's been ages since i wrote smth nice in my black book. maybe i should try to write smth soon...

back to school

2005-01-03T15:46:00.000-08:00

ah well. it's back to school. the first person to greet me was carla. ahaha. she was hugging me. damn i miss her. school's pretty much boring on the first day. i guess my sec 3 class is pretty alright. quite a number of familiar faces. gonna go to camp on from the 11th-14th. some eco camp in malaysia. i'm kinda half-hearted. haha. well... no technology for 3 days. no phone and no music. ):
damn. i need a sleeping bag.

new year

2004-12-31T10:37:00.000-08:00

it suddenly feels like i'm running a race, like i have to be somewhere and i have to do smth by a certain time. trying to please people. i spent a certain amount of time stonning today, while looking at the fishes. i guess i did a lot of thinking as well. seems odd. during the holidays, i was in a hurry. christmas shopping had to be done. i wanted to meet my friends and everything. this week is the last week i have before i head back to school. i've realised that i havent had time alone with myself... till today.

ALVIRA MORTISHA VERTRUVIAN

2004-12-29T16:38:00.000-08:00

watching bbc or cnn the past few days has made me feel that i'm really lucky. i have the comfort of my home and i'm surrounded by the ones i trully cherish and love. whereas, those who have been affected by the earthquake and tsunami have just lost everything.
imagine waking up one day and realising that everything's just... gone. that everyone has left you and you're all alone with no house, no food. nothing.
honestly, society today has taken too much without giving any back. maybe that's why everyone's so corrupted. everyone just wants more and more and more for themselves, without thinking of people who actually NEED it more.

so it starts.

2004-12-28T01:02:00.000-08:00

so i begin this blog idea all over again and i'm not even expecting much out of it.
words that seemed to flow so easily out of me before for everyone to see, seems so strange all of a sudden.

well christmas was fine. considering the fact that i saw a lot of people i havent seen in awhile but i'm just so damn tired right now and i just cannot be bothered to do anything since it's over. i'm just gonna be relaxing this last week away. sims 2 anyone? haha.